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October 23, Sun
+ Emotions Overwhelmed
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12:55 AM
Life is a bitch, full of agonies... or should I blame myself for being stupid. A lot of times I'm confused about how I feel and what I should feel, or am I too aware of my own feelings, way too self-conscious. I'm just really confused and overwhelmed with different feelings right now. Everything is going great, and yet I need to find problems for myself. What is wrong with me?
[ ADDED | 2:00 AM ] I feel a bit better now, after talking to Hide. It's always nice to have someone to talk to, and someone who understand (or at least try to understand) how you feel, and never judge you because of your feelings.
All these emotions and feelings; I don't even know if I'm confused or if I'm way too aware of my feelings. I just want to write everything down, and hopefully it'll help me sort through what is exactly going on here. These feelings of mine are something that I've been struggling with these past few days. I know some of them are wrong and it's not the way I supposed to feel, and I'm well aware of that, but feelings aren't something I can easily control.
I'm trying so hard to get over Kiet, and I thought I almost did it, simply look at him as a roommate, as a friend, a close friend. But then Saman needs to remind me, every single time he's around. I know I can't blame him, it's NOT right for me to blame him, and I DON'T have the right to blame him. But ever since that night at the custom party when Saman got upset that Kiet wasn't there and took it out on me, he constantly reminds me of my own feelings for Kiet. I know he likes Kiet, but just the fact that he takes his unrequited love out on me really pisses me off, especially since I like Kiet too. I didn't tell many people how I feel, and I hardly mention it; I just keep it to myself and try to get over it, but he just kept bringing his feeling for Kiet up (intentionally or not). I was getting over Kiet 'cause we are just a group of friends hanging out, but whenever Saman is around, he's always around for one reason -- Kiet. If Kiet wasn't here, he would be upset and take it out on me. I just can't handle it anymore, partly of being reminded of my feelings for Kiet while I'm trying to get over him, but mostly of jealousy, of knowing that there are TONS of people out there who like Kiet; that Kiet has LOTS of options and I would never even stand a chance. But then who am I? What rights do I have to be jealous? However, because of this, I'm trying not to hangout with Saman anymore, and trying to get over Kiet. I just want to hangout with my friends and carry on. But no, everywhere I go, Saman is always there, always calling and asking what are we up to. I know I've NO RIGHT at all to tell other people not to hangout with him. I don't even have a legitimate reason for not hanging out with him myself. How could I blame him for my personal feelings? How dare I? Therefore, I either try not to ruin everyone's mood around me; try to put on a mask -- a happy face -- and pretend that everything is alright, or just stay away from every one and become anti-social, then hating myself for not treasuring the time I could've with my friends, wasting the opportunities of creating experiences and memories that I could've, simply because of this one stupid feeling. What is wrong with me? This is exactly what I've wished and what I've hoped for -- an apartment with roommates I'm close with, a group of friends I can rely on and trust, a job that is meaningful and I actually enjoy. How long have I been alone and not have many close friends? How long have I been living with people who I don't really care about? Life is perfect right now comparing to where I was. Why am I never content? Why can I just be happy? Why do I have to find problems for myself; find something to stress over? Is there something wrong with me? I just wish all these feelings would just go away.
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October 30, Sun
+ Horny or Lonely?
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03:42 AM
Last night we all went out to the Haunted Trail. It was my first time and I had a great time. It was awesome seeing all our brothers together having a great time.
Daniel and I went out for lunch this afternoon. I'm really happy I get him as a little brother. We talked about a lot of things and he started our interview. He's a great guy and I really look forward to seeing him cross-over as a brother.
Yesterday afternoon Hide and Daniel went to get customes for the Halloween party tonight. Originally I didn't want to go 'cause Kiet said he wasn't going. I was so stupid. I really need to get over Kiet. I've been missing out on a lot simply because of my feeling for him, and besides, this is my life and I really need to move on. Hide convinced me and I got a pirate custome. I'm really glad I went to the party tonight too. I had a great time hanging out with everyone. I got a ride home with Justin, Chris, and Phil. Talked with Phil the whole way back about a lot of things. I got a little surprise when Justin dropped me off. I don't know if I really like him or if I was just way too flattered when he told me I'm cute since I have such low self-esteem. But either way at least I really think that he's cute too. We kissed... but nothing more. I was either feeling horny or lonely, I really really wanted him to come up; a little hook-up could be nice you know, but I stopped myself from going further. Do I regret? Perhaps a little. Let's just say I'm way too inexperienced that I'm afraid I would get hurt. But I guess taking it slow can be a good thing. We'll see how it goes.
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