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November 4, Fri
+ New Layout Coming Soon
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06:01 AM
On the edge of my 22nd birthday, I've decided to make a new layout for Dabs (finally!). Actually, I've been meaning to change the layout for an awfully long time. This current election-themed layout has been up for far too long. I have just been so caught up with my offline life this past year. (hm... shouldn't that be a good thing?) Anyway, I've finally made up my mind, and have started working on this new layout two days ago. I should probably say a new website... since I'm actually recreating the entire website from scatch, instead of simply changing the graphics with the old template like I used to do with my past layouts. I'm putting in a lot of time and energy into this and I really hope that it'll turn out great. All I have left to say is... look forward to it, please.
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November 10, Thu
+ 22nd Birthday
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03:11 AM
So, Friday night my friends threw me my first surprise birthday party. I was kind of suspecting something was going on, since Kiet and Shawn aren't the greatest secret keepers, and they were the ones planning the party. But I was still surprised nonetheless since my 22nd birthday was actually on Saturday, and the party was on Friday night. So, Shawn took me out to dinner Friday night saying it was for my birthday, while Kiet was home getting everything ready. It was an Apple themed party and everyone contributed too. Alwyn bought the customized birthday cake; Mike bought Apple juice and pie; Daniel bought drinks; Phil cooked the food; Chris provided all the Apple posters and decorations; Frank bought the balloons; Jen and Shawn Ta drove all the way down from L.A., etc. Another thing that I was surprised about was the amount of people at the party. I didn't realize how many people I actually know. I'm truly grateful how much effort, money, and energy they put into the party. I had a blast that night. We played Truth or Dare, and there were some great moments to be remembered.
This coming weekend I'll be going up to Oakland for a national LGBT conference put on by the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force. I'm leaving with Will and Peper on Thursday night and we won't be back until probably late Sunday night. The Resource Center paid for the registration and hotel, so technically I'm going as a staff representing the LGBT Resource Center. To be honest, I'm not too looking forward to it. My co-workers are nice and great to work with, but I don't know about spending a whole weekend with them. Besides, I'll be missing out on the pledge carwash this Sunday, and now I need to put off finishing my new layout until later. Oh well, I guess it will be another experience for me.
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November 21, Mon
+ Dear Journal
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01:18 AM
Dear Journal,
There are things that I've been wanting to share with you for so long but never found the courage to write them down. I don't know why I'm writing you this now. To be heard? To finally let my feelings out? Perhaps I want to save up all these memories so that I'll always remember them, or really just to put all these down so I can move on?
I remember when I first rushed and pledged the fraternity there was this brother who wasn't too active in the fraternity and I hardly noticed him. I don't remember when did things change. Perhaps it was when I interviewed him? He seemed to be a far more interesting person than simply "this other brother", and as I worked at Cafe Ventanas and spent more and more time at his dorm on campus, he just seemed more and more interesting. I knew that he was popular and had quite a few friends. Everyone seemed to like him and enjoyed his company. I too began to enjoy his personality as well.
Then came Alpha Beta initiation. We all went to Las Vegas and had a blast. After we came back, I remember it was a busy week with school for me. It was on a Friday, I was working my afternoon shift at Cafe Ventanas when he came in for lunch. I saw him and there was this huge smile on his face. I still remember that moment quite clearly. It was that moment that I finally realized... I was attracted to him; I really liked him. The whole time when I thought I simply enjoyed his presence; enjoyed hanging out with him. It was all more than just a feeling of friendship. To be honest, it was a big shock to me 'cause he was totally not my type at all physically. I would've never guessed that I would be attracted to a guy like him. I've always liked twinky white guys, you know. He was the first guy I liked and cared about beyond simple physical attraction. He was the one who taught me that physical appearance is not everything. He was the one who taught me what really liking and caring for someone is like. He was the one who taught me that it's okay to be yourself and not have to conform to what everyone else likes.
I knew he was dating Phil; I knew I wasn't his type; and I knew that he would probably never feel the same way I feel toward him. But I was contended, simply being his friend and being around him. Summer came along, and we had gotten closer than I would've ever imagined. Going to National Convention together; hanging out almost everyday; we didn't really do much exciting, but it was such a great experience and memory for me.
When summer came to an end, and he asked me to be his roommate, he would've never know how happy and excited I was. At the same time, I knew it probably wouldn't be a good idea. Being attracted to him, it's one thing to be his friend, but it's another thing to be his roommate. I knew it would be hard and difficult. Obviously one of the reasons I wanted to be his roommate was a selfish one. If we became roommates, we would be even closer than before. But it was also I really wanted to help him and see him be happy. He was all stressed out over the living situation. That's why I kept asking him if he was really sure about it. But I knew I've probably made a mistake, one of the biggest mistakes ever (for myself).
This quarter so far has been such an emotional roller coaster for me. The more time we spent together, the more I care about him. Every single day after my classes, all I care about is to get home as soon as possible to see him. He has probably become one of the main sources of my happiness. When he's around or when I see him smile, it just put a smile on my face as well. I care less and less about other stuff, such as different organizations I used to be involved with on campus, the fraternity, and even schoolwork. I would rather stay up with him or wait up for him to get off work than going to bed early even if I had early classes the next day, but I could care less 'cause it makes me happy to spend time with him.
Then there are times that it hurts me so much to hear him talking about his relationship with Thom. There are times that I got so jealous because of the closeness he and Hide share. I know I shouldn't feel and act this way, and besides, what right do I have to be hurt? Who am I to be jealous? There are times that I question myself, why am I caring so much for someone who I can never have? Why do I keep giving myself the illusion that there might be the slightest possibility? Why do I keep putting myself out there to be hurt? Why have I tried to get over him so many times and never succeed? Why am I so pathetic?
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November 24, Thu
+ Version Nineteen
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03:33 AM
The long-awaited (or was it?) new layout is finally here. Since I was starting almost from scratch with this new version, It took me nearly two weeks to get everything done. As you can tell, this layout style is quite different from my previous layouts. The design is cleaner and more dynamic than before. This is also the first time I utilize my personal photos instead of stock ones. In terms of content, I've taken out many sections I deemed unnecessary; basically gearing this site toward a personal blog rather than a bundled personal site. I've also begun archiving my blog with categories, as you might've noticed on the left. So I'm in the process of going back and slowly re-categorize my past entries. This will be an on-going process that won't just happen overnight. One thing that remains the same is pretty much the concept that all these changes to the site reflect on real life experience. To me, Dabs has become more personal than ever. Please don't hesitate to leave me any feedback or comments on this new version.
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November 25, Fri
+ Happy Turkey Day!
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07:32 PM
Kiet and I stayed up and watched Love Actually until 5 in the morning yesterday. It was lovely and romantic (to me at least). I really wished that I could tell him about my feeling for him, perhaps eventually I'll find the courage to. For now, I'm just simply enjoying his company.
Yesterday those of us who are not going home for Thanksgiving went over to Shawn's for a potluck dinner. It was great. Kiet, Hide, Robbie, Daniel, and I went, and Dan and Tri showed up later. We had a huge dinner and all the foods were great. We watched the 3rd Harry Potter on HBO and I pretty much fell asleep halfway through it since I was so tired and the full turkey dinner just didn't help.
This morning Kiet and I woke up at 4am to go shopping. Crazy, huh? I thought so too until we each got an AcomData 160GB external harddrive for $40 (after mail-in rebate) from Fry's!! We got some other stuff but the harddrives were definitely the biggest deal. We came back at around 8am, Kiet went to work and I went back to sleep until 5pm. Kiet got back from work and we went to the mall but I didn't get anything this time. Well, then I watched The Ring Two with Hide tonight 'cause I just got the DVD today. Since I slept like 7 hours during the day, I guess I won't be going to bed anytime soon tonight.
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November 27, Sun
+ I Told Kiet
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02:23 AM
I told him. I told Kiet. I finally found the courage to tell him that I had the biggest crush on him... He said he has known it all along, that he could sense it, and Tri has told him too, but for the sake of our friendship, we shouldn't let our relationship goes beyond friendship. I'm proud of myself, that I finally did it. He is the first person I've ever revealed my feelings to. I also feel sad, but it was expected; I knew the outcome long ago. It's just that hearing it in person really hits home. But above all, I feel relieved. I've been carrying this emotional burden for far too long. I feel a sense of closure to it, like I can finally move on (or so I hope).
I finally came to think about it. Why was I so afraid of telling him and letting him know I like him? Because I felt that it would make me naked; make me completely vulnerable to him. Telling someone you like them is like putting yourself out there with the possibility of getting hurt. But little did I know that I was actually hurting myself keeping my feelings in. I'm always so scared of letting others know about my feelings. Perhaps I've finally get through it? Perhaps Kiet was right; I'm way too emotional and dramatic. Fair enough, I should be happy. The biggest fear of telling him was that our relationship would change, but he reassured me it wouldn't. I should be grateful that I can be completely honest with him from now on.
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