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06 13 : Tue

>> Done with College
Clement | 07:03 PM PST | BE Y1U | guestbook
I'm finally officially done with college. I walked in the Rainbow Graduation last Saturday, and finished my last class on Tuesday. I'm not going to my college graduation ceremony, since I don't see the point. My parents are not here, and the way UCSD setup its graduation ceremonies is by the colleges, and I really don't know many people from Sixth College, not to mention that cap and gown are expensive. Anyway, Kiet, Phil, Chris and Steven went out to dinner with me after Rainbow Graduation to celebrate. That's all there is. It felt so anti-climax: That's all? After working so hard all these years in school, this is all I get? A piece of paper? (It's not even the real one, since it'll be sent to me later in the mail.)
If you asked me if I like going to school a year ago, I would probably tell you I would love going to school for as long as I can if I could afford it. But if you ask me the same question now, my answer would've been totally different. I'm so over school, in terms of classes and studying, especially during this last quarter. It felt like I was so close to being done but not yet... I'm so ready to be done with school and move on, and be on my feet and supporting myself. Going into the real world can be scary, but it sounds so much better than going back to school to me now.

05 28 : Sun

>> Only Hurting Myself
Clement | 02:40 AM PST | BE Y0U | guestbook
There is something wrong with me. When things aren't going right, I stress myself out over them; when things are starting to get better, I dig up more shit to worry about. I just can't be happy with myself I guess. Always assuming too much; didn't know that I'm only hurting myself.
I need to stop drinking. I can be a happy drunk, but lately it just makes me more emotional. I haven't been able to go to sleep easily this past week. Have to stay up 'til 4 or 5 in the morning. Things are going great, and I need to be happy, but I just can't bring myself to be happy here. And I don't know what I want, or to be exact, don't know how to make myself not want what I want...

05 17 : Wed

>> Right Brain vs. Left Brain
Clement | 02:30 AM PST | BE Y2U | guestbook
Andy has been spending nights after nights at our apartment. He practically lives in our living room, while his own apartment is only a block away. It's starting to bug me, especially with his inconsideration. The first few days it was cool 'cause he's our guest, but it's not so cool when he starts demanding. It just ticked me off when he asked if he could move in. What upset me the most was Kiet's approval of it. The thought of moving out has came across my mind several times, but it was never a concrete idea and I wouldn't have wanted to. But Andy's "suggestion" pretty much made it definite, especially with Kiet's approval. It felt like a kick to the stomach for me. After that, I was quite determined to move out with Dan over the summer, until Kiet wrote me an email saying that it was all a misunderstanding and he thinks of me as a good roommate. I really don't know what to think. I responded with a semi-blaming email saying that it would be better for everyone: Andy needs a place to stay and obviously he's higher than me on Kiet's priority list; Robbie has been bugging me lately too, not that he wanted to be my apartment-mate to begin with; Kiet... saying out loud he needed more space from me just a little over a month ago. Call me sensitive, but actions speak louder than words and these are all the evidences I see. Misunderstanding, assumptions, add a spoonful of jealousy, we've a pot full of dramas. Perhaps I AM better off moving out, only if I can bring myself to. This sounds familiar. Right brain versus left brain; emotion versus logic; doing what I want versus doing what is right... sounds like what happened last summer, only a reversed situation. Seems like I'm all alone on this one, no one else can help me but myself.

04 01 : Sat

>> Dream Comes True?
Clement | 11:14 AM PST | BE Y3U | guestbook
Lately I've been feeling a little distant from Kiet, and as much as I would like to keep telling myself that perhaps I'm way too sensitive and it's just all in my head, it's obviously apparent that he has been trying to avoid me. And I, through my loneliness and sadness, has come to a realization. Ever since I met Kiet, and especially after we moved in together, I've been spending all my time and energy on him. What happened to the Clement who values all his friends and always enjoyed the company of others? Ever since I met Kiet, I've felt content. I've been neglecting all my other friends and missing out on all the bonding opportunities with others. So, I've decided to take the effort and initiative to hangout with my other friends more often, and it started with my little brother, Daniel. I invited him to hangout yesterday afternoon, and we watched Ice Age 2: The Meltdown, which we both enjoyed very much. Afterward we went to a tapioca cafe and talked about a lot of things. It was really nice, and he suggested I should really go out and catch up with everyone else; making up for all these time I've neglected them, not for them, but for myself.
I took his advice, and went clubbing in L.A. with Dan, Tri, Alwyn, and Josh last night, which by the way, turned out to be the best clubbing experience I ever had. For some reasons, finally getting away from Kiet made me feel relieved emotionally. Halfway through the night, while we were all dancing on the stage, this Asian guy who was dancing with a girl friend of his started dancing with Alwyn. Not long after, he slowly approached me and took off my shirt, and started dancing with me. I was so shocked and happy at that moment. I thought he was cute too, but knowing myself and how unconfident I'm, I would've never even considered anyone could possibly be interesed in me, especially in a club situation where there are plenty of way more attractive guys than me. In the past, the idea of dancing with other people totally scares me, but that night, my own bravery surprised me. Perhaps it was the loneliness, or was it my desperate attempt to let go of Kiet by looking for someone else? I'm not too sure, but we danced together topless for rest of the night. He didn't have his cellphone with him, so I got his number and took the initiative to text him on my way back down to San Diego. At the end of the night, all I know about him is that his name is Brandon and he is Vietnamese, but still it felt like a dream come true. For the first time in my life, I've found someone I'm interested who is also interested in me.

03 28 : Tue

>> Am I Intimidating?
Clement | 04:23 AM PST | BE Y2U | guestbook
The other day Kiet bought up an idea that I might be intimidating to some people. I was definitely surprised to hear that. Out of so many characteristics of mine, I would've never even considered intimidating being one of them. I, on the other hand, quite often found other people intimidating on a regular basis, perhaps due to my lack of self-confidence and my physical appearance. As I do to other issues in my life, I tried to rationalize it and find out the cause. We came up with a few insights. According to Kiet, there are many forms of intimidations, and they're not always consis of phyiscal attributes. My "talents" and "skills" might intimidate others the same way others intimidate me phyiscally. A concept that I'm still trying to understand. In addition, Robbie suggested that perhaps my intimidations originated from my quietness and shyness, which provides fewer opportunities for people to get to know me. However, I must say that my initial quietness and shyness are often caused by intimidations I feel from others (as many of my friends know that I'm not quite a quiet person), which ironically, somehow translated into my own intimidations toward others. Life is how very interesting. There are still so much more yet to be discovered about myself.

03 25 : Sat

>> A Mess
Clement | 05:55 PM PST | BE Y0U | guestbook
I was a huge mess last night. I don't even remember when was the last time I got this drunk. I really don't know what I want anymore. It has been so emotionally tiring hanging out with Kiet. I've been going through a lot of emotional roller coaster hanging around him. I missed those days when I used to be able to be happy simply by myself; those days when I was able to controlled my own feelings. I hate myself for not being able to let go but keep holding on to those feelings I have for Kiet. I feel like I don't live for myself anymore and I hate how a person can so easily dominate the way I feel. Those days when I have small random crushes on people might feel lonely, but they seem so much more bearable to me.
I didn't believe it before, but alcohol does help you stop thinking. I started drinking more and more on the way back from GameBoi, in attempt to stop my brain from thinking and my heart from feeling. It was embarrassing pouring my heart out to Chris and Phil. Phil is so sensitive. He always knows when something is wrong with me. I spent a night at Chris, and everything was fine again today. What a wonderful way to start Spring break. I don't know how many more of these nights I can handle.

03 01 : Wed

>> This is Life, I Guess
Clement | 01:33 AM PST | BE Y4U | guestbook
I've been so busy these weeks. Just got done with Spring Rush a week ago. At work, the Resource Center has finally moved, but we're not quite settled in yet. There are still lots to be done before we can officially open for business. I don't know why, I'm constantly putting myself under pressure and making myself worry about things. I was stressing out over money a while back, and now I got it resolved, I'm stressing out over school and looking for a job after graduation. There are so much needed to be done, and sometimes I just feel really lost. Like I just wish that life could be simplier. Not having a special someone who I can lean on and fall back on every once a while just makes things that much worse. This is life, I guess.

01 30 : Mon

>> Unexpectedly Eventful Weekend
Clement | 10:26 AM PST | BE Y2U | guestbook
This weekend was quite unexpectedly eventful. Friday night Kiet went out for a date and a hookup. So, feeling lonely and bored, I went to Chris' to hang out with him. We ended up watching a few episodes of Loveless and decided wouldn't it be great if there was an anime version of Chris. So, at his request, I spent the rest of the night drawing Chris into different anime characters and coloring them. That night turned out to be quite fun. It was quite some time since the last time I drew, so I actually really enjoyed it, being able to draw anime/manga type stuff and not have to do "art" projects. We only managed to get one colored and edited for his various online profiles. He also put it up on his blog, so feel free to take a look.
Saturday Kiet went back home for Lunar New Year, so I was alone again. Chris wanted to go to his work to scan the sketches from the night before so I went with him and installed a copy of iLife '06. It was fabulous and I love Apple dearly. For the rest of the day I wasn't planning on doing much but catching up with some homework and tv series originally, but Chris convinced me to go clubbing with him, T.J., Luke, and Phil. Well, it was mostly for Phil 'cause I heard he got a new haircut and I wanted to see it. We went to Numbes and it was alright. I have only been to two clubs in San Diego, and both times I wasn't too impressed. Personally I enjoyed going clubbing in West Hollywood more. It is just the atmosphere and the mood of the clubs. Well, and the people too. In San Diego clubs, people keep staring at me from the moment I walk in to the moment I leave. And then there was also this strange (or way-too-friendly-for-my-liking) girl who just hugged me and kept offering to buy me a drink and trying to get me to dance with her. Well, just overall a weird experience. The oh-so-hot Jason was there too, and he actually called me and said hi before I even noticed him. I would probably have struck up a conversation with him if that strange girl didn't keep pulling me onto the dance floor. I was mad, but then now I think about it, I wouldn't know what to say to Jason anyway. We went to Denny's for food afterward, and yes, T.J. was very funny and entertaining the whole night. Definitely a great person to be around, especially when you're down. . . . [more]

01 22 : Sun

>> Surprise Party
Clement | 10:25 PM PST | BE Y0U | guestbook
Tomorrow is Hide's birthday, so last Friday we threw him a surprise party at our apartment. It was Kiet's idea, and I was responsible for somehow bringing Hide to our apartment Friday night without him getting suspicious. So, I asked him to go shopping with me at the North County mall in Escondido. We spent so much time there, and while the time came for us to head back to the apartment, I had to come up with some excuse to get Hide to go ('cause we all know, when Hide goes shopping, it's not that easy to get him to leave unless he bought the whole mall with him...) Anyway, I managed to get him back to the apartment an hour later than the original planned time. He totally didn't see it coming. The party theme was Japan, so Kiet made all these origami and hung them all over the apartment for decoration, and some people were wearing Japanese clothing, etc.
I got a surprise that night too... well, I don't really want to go into details about it. Let's just say that what happened that night makes me re-evaluate what I really want. And yes, sex is really overrated.

01 03 : Tue

>> Closure
Clement | 02:27 AM PST | BE Y3U | guestbook
Ever since New Year Eve when we invited Saman and a few other friends to come over and hangout, Kiet and Saman have been getting closer and closer. Seeing how much fun they have together, I got really jealous, and I had to constantly remind myself that I'm supposed to be over Kiet right now and I really don't have the right to be jealous. In a way I turned this jealousy into an anger towards them, but deep inside I know that I'm more angry at myself, for being so hopelessly pathetic. It was also within all these emotions that I realized how much I've neglected my other friends and how much I've invested into this "friendship" between Kiet and I. That was one of the stupidest things I could've done. It was with all these investments that I set myself up to get hurt. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Tonight I finally feel a closure. Kiet told me he's gonna start dating Thom again and hopefully developing a relationship with him. I guess I'm happy for him? But at that moment, all I felt was a deep sorrow and loneliness. I've been so foolish to let so many opportunities passed by because I thought all I need was my friendship with Kiet. I felt like everything just broke into a million pieces and I'm left pathetically alone. I guess I can call this a closure. A sad one, but a closure nonetheless. I feel the urge to go out and just find someone, just anyone who would have a slight interest in me. Even though my logic tells me this is not the best idea for me right now, but emotionally I feel like this is what I need to stand up again. Why am I such a mess right now? What happened to the days when I didn't need someone else to make me feel happy? What happened to the days when I was contented with just my friends? Those days certainly seem so far, far away.

12 18 : Sun

>> I'm not the one who can make him happy
Clement | 02:31 PM PST | BE Y3U | guestbook
This past week was interesting. Finals were over last week, and I thought it's finally time to enjoy and have fun, but little did I know that drama and sadness were actually on their way. Kiet has been a little down lately. I knew there was something bothering him, because he's always tired (both emotionally and physically), but I just couldn't quite figure out what it was. In fact, it's bothering him so much that he's planning on staying at Chris's for a week. I thought it was me. Ever since I told him about my feelings. I thought I was making him uncomfortable. But he told me today. It was because of Hide. He has been having a lot of feelings for Hide, and it just isn't easy for him to be always around Hide ever since Hide moved into our living room a month ago. Hearing all those was like a sharp knife cutting through my heart. It's never easy hearing the one you loved talking about his love for someone else, but what hurts me more is that knowing he's sad and yet not being able to do anything about it. Kiet always seems like a strong and happy person. He's always so optimistic; always doing his own thing and never attaches to anything or anyone. I feel so powerless; seeing him being sad and knowing that I'm not the one who can make him happy.
I thought the fun has just begun. I thought I was finally done with stressing over school and could start enjoying the break spending time with Kiet. But only a week into it, Kiet is moving out for a week. Perhaps it's a good thing, both for him and for me. It gives him time to get over Hide and it gives me time to over him. I've been neglecting my other friends for far too long. I'm such an undeserving friend. When I'm into someone, he's all I think about. This past Friday when I went to L.A. with a few brothers for a fundraiser being sit-in audience for the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and then went to GAMeBoi afterward, all I could think of was how Kiet was doing at home, since he had work earlier and couldn't go with us. I just feel so stupid. I always tell others to focus their energy on something else, while in fact I'm the worst at that. Perhaps I'm just being really pessimistic. A week isn't that long. I know I really need to support Kiet, and besides, all I want is for him to be happy.

11 27 : Sun

>> I Told Kiet
Clement | 02:23 AM PST | BE Y5U | guestbook
I told him. I told Kiet. I finally found the courage to tell him that I had the biggest crush on him... He said he has known it all along, that he could sense it, and Tri has told him too, but for the sake of our friendship, we shouldn't let our relationship goes beyond friendship. I'm proud of myself, that I finally did it. He is the first person I've ever revealed my feelings to. I also feel sad, but it was expected; I knew the outcome long ago. It's just that hearing it in person really hits home. But above all, I feel relieved. I've been carrying this emotional burden for far too long. I feel a sense of closure to it, like I can finally move on (or so I hope).
I finally came to think about it. Why was I so afraid of telling him and letting him know I like him? Because I felt that it would make me naked; make me completely vulnerable to him. Telling someone you like them is like putting yourself out there with the possibility of getting hurt. But little did I know that I was actually hurting myself keeping my feelings in. I'm always so scared of letting others know about my feelings. Perhaps I've finally get through it? Perhaps Kiet was right; I'm way too emotional and dramatic. Fair enough, I should be happy. The biggest fear of telling him was that our relationship would change, but he reassured me it wouldn't. I should be grateful that I can be completely honest with him from now on.

11 21 : Mon

>> Dear Journal
Clement | 01:18 AM PST | BE Y0U | guestbook
Dear Journal,
There are things that I've been wanting to share with you for so long but never found the courage to write them down. I don't know why I'm writing you this now. To be heard? To finally let my feelings out? Perhaps I want to save up all these memories so that I'll always remember them, or really just to put all these down so I can move on? . . . [more]

10 30 : Sun

>> Horny or Lonely?
Clement | 03:42 AM PST | BE Y4U | guestbook
Last night we all went out to the Haunted Trail. It was my first time and I had a great time. It was awesome seeing all our brothers together having a great time.
Daniel and I went out for lunch this afternoon. I'm really happy I get him as a little brother. We talked about a lot of things and he started our interview. He's a great guy and I really look forward to seeing him cross-over as a brother.
Yesterday afternoon Hide and Daniel went to get customes for the Halloween party tonight. Originally I didn't want to go 'cause Kiet said he wasn't going. I was so stupid. I really need to get over Kiet. I've been missing out on a lot simply because of my feeling for him, and besides, this is my life and I really need to move on. Hide convinced me and I got a pirate custome. I'm really glad I went to the party tonight too. I had a great time hanging out with everyone. I got a ride home with Justin, Chris, and Phil. Talked with Phil the whole way back about a lot of things. I got a little surprise when Justin dropped me off. I don't know if I really like him or if I was just way too flattered when he told me I'm cute since I have such low self-esteem. But either way at least I really think that he's cute too. We kissed... but nothing more. I was either feeling horny or lonely, I really really wanted him to come up; a little hook-up could be nice you know, but I stopped myself from going further. Do I regret? Perhaps a little. Let's just say I'm way too inexperienced that I'm afraid I would get hurt. But I guess taking it slow can be a good thing. We'll see how it goes.

10 23 : Sun

>> Emotions Overwhelmed
Clement | 12:55 AM PST | BE Y2U | guestbook
Life is a bitch, full of agonies... or should I blame myself for being stupid. A lot of times I'm confused about how I feel and what I should feel, or am I too aware of my own feelings, way too self-conscious. I'm just really confused and overwhelmed with different feelings right now. Everything is going great, and yet I need to find problems for myself. What is wrong with me?
[ ADDED | 2:00 AM ] I feel a bit better now, after talking to Hide. It's always nice to have someone to talk to, and someone who understand (or at least try to understand) how you feel, and never judge you because of your feelings. . . . [more]

09 25 : Sun

>> Fall Quarter Begins
Clement | 03:23 PM PST | BE Y4U | guestbook
We've finally completely moved into our new apartment and unpacked most of the stuff and kind of settled in last week. I'm very much enjoying out new place right now. I've been the one trying to keep the place clean and neat. Just paid my tuition for this quarter a few days ago and now I'm broke. I guess I can still survive until the next paycheck, I just need to keep an eye on my spending.
School has started this past Thursday. I've only had 2 of my classes, so I can't tell how hectic this quarter is going to be for me yet. One thing I know is that the frat is going to take up quite a bit of my time, especially since I've decided to take on a little brother. The Rush has been going well. We've quite a few potential pledges. Things have been going great at work. Got my regular office hours all set. I'll be at the Resource Center Monday 8 to 11 am and Wednesday 4:30 to 9:30 pm. Of course I'll also be there for various org meetings and events as well.
Today I learned something important. Whenever you need to make a decision regarding people, someone is going to get hurt, if no one else get hurt usually you're the one who gets hurt. That's why I hate making decision. Why can't people just tell me what they want me to do? Call me irresponsible.

09 09 : Fri

>> Wishes Don't Come True
Clement | 05:22 AM PST | BE Y7U | guestbook
It's almost 5:30 in the morning. I'm still wide awake... thinking... about a lot of things. Sometimes I wish I don't come here and post only when I'm sad or depress or lonely. I don't want my blog to be a place where only memories of my sadness and loneliness stored. I remember I used to listen to those romantic love songs and watch those romantic movies; I used to believe in love; used to believe that I'd find true love eventually, that I'd find someone to share my life with, that no matter how long it maybe, it is all worth waiting, that wishes do come true. But as I get older, I don't know anymore; those might just be a bunch of fairytales. How often do people find true love? Maybe they do, but just not me? Then I would tell myself, I just had been looking for love in all the wrong places, places where true love is nowhere to be found; places where the ones you love would never love you back. Then I told myself, I don't need someone else to make me happy. This is my life, and there is a lot more to it than just love and relationship and ultimately sex... I have my own two hands for that. I would kept myself busy with other stuff; keeping my mind occupied and my heart empty. But who am I kidding but myself? One often dismisses what one can't get. I just kept running from my biggest fear; kept giving myself excuses, but whenever people talked about relationships or love, all I felt is a puddle of loneliness. Will I ever be able to experience love and the bittersweet that comes with it? Do I keep going around, continue to search for love in those wrong places where true love doesn't exist? Or do I just keep waiting, like lyrics from those bitter love songs, forever waiting for that one true love to show up?

08 11 : Thu

>> The Sound of Unsettling
Clement | 11:47 PM PST | BE Y2U | guestbook
Today at work I finally finished transferring all the pages from PHP into HTML and ASP for the Resource Center's website. I originally coded all the pages in PHP, but the I.T. department for the Resource Center said they only support ASP, so Debbi asked me to re-code all the pages. It took me a while but it's finally done. I've also re-coded the Q-Camp Registration mailform in ASP, and it's up and running again. Sometimes I'm kind of tired of all these website stuff that I do. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. It's just that sometimes it's frustrating how many limitations there are. I enjoyed those small projects they gave me every once a while like designing posters and brochures so much more.
Anyway, Kiet and I went to turn in our applications and paperworks for the apartment. It seems like it's pretty sure that we'll get the place. Now we just need Robbie to turn in his paperworks and seal the deal.
As the day of us moving in together getting closer and closer, I start to doubt my decision. I thought I could handle my feeling for Kiet; I thought I could control it and just hangout with him as a friend, but I'm not so sure anymore. The more I hangout with him, the more I find myself liking him, especially these past few days. Sometimes it's just so hard, hanging out with someone who I like so much but know that I can't have. I think Kiet might even know about my feeling for him too, and that unsettles me a lot. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. I want to talk to him about it, but I don't know if it's just me being too sensitive, and if that's the case, I wouldn't want to bring it up. I don't know, but I think my trip to Boston for a week is a great time for me to just get away from him for a while and reorganize my thoughts and feelings.

06 16 : Thu

>> Bittersweet Symphony
Clement | 10:08 PM PST | BE Y9U | guestbook
Last couple days I have been hanging out with Kiet. Tuesday afternoon we ran a few errands, had Vietnamese food for lunch, went to this boba place, and then picked out a video game, Champions of Norrath: Return to Arms right before we headed back to his place. And basically that's what we had been doing these past few days -- playing video game. So, how was it? It was great and torturing. It was great because it was with Kiet. It was torturing because I don't know how I could subject myself to such hell. I know I've talked about this a million times before. I don't understand myself and I'm confused. I know for a fact that Kiet is dating Phil, and he doesn't like me the way I like him. Every single time when we were hanging out just us two, I felt so happy and I really enjoyed his company, but it just makes me hurt even more to know that I can never have him. So everytime I kept telling myself that I wouldn't hangout with Kiet anymore, at least not as much. But whenever he called me; whenever I heard his personal ringtone; whenever I heard his voice; whenever he asked me to hangout, I just couldn't help myself from saying yes, every single time! Kiet had work this afternoon, so he dropped me off at my place before work and asked if I wanted to hangout again tonight and beat the game with him, I finally said no... I gave him a lame reason saying that because I've an appointment with Debbi from the LGBT Resource Center tomorrow morning to work out my work schedule for the summer and that I need to get some rest tonight. I felt so bad; it was so hard to say no to Kiet. But I did it and I thought "okay... good, if I stop hanging out with him I'll get over him eventually." Then he called me tonight when he got off work "just to say hi". My heart just melted and I asked him if he want to hangout again tomorrow... I know... Deep inside I know that I shouldn't hangout with him 'cause I know I will just bitch about it afterward, but at the same time I just want to be with him. I don't know how this is going to end. I really think I should just tell him how I really feel and so he would stop hanging out with me. But last week Shawn and Hide told me that Kiet might have known already since "he's not stupid", then why does he continue to hangout with me? I don't get it... I just need this to stop, and I know I can't stop it myself. I'm just digging deeper and deeper each day...

06 13 : Mon

>> Too Many Movies
Clement | 02:02 AM PST | BE Y7U | guestbook
Saturday afternoon Dan, Stephen, Luke, Shawn, Hide, and I went to Hamburger Mary's for the first time. It was okay. The sandwich was actually fairly large and pretty good, only if the bun wasn't moldy. Yes, they gave me a sandwich with moldy bun, so I got my next meal for free. I guess it wasn't that good after all. Afterward Shawn and his boyfriend Gary, Hide, and I went to a movie and watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith. A unique movie; something different; probably first of its kind. I'm sure similar movies will start popping up soon enough. After the movie I was just going to go home but they convinced me to have a sleepover at Shawn's. We bought some snacks and stayed up all night watching some more movies. We watched The Last Samurai and The Day After Tomorrow, and ended up falling asleep at around 6:00 in the morning. Woke up at around 2:00 Sunday afternoon, met up with Dan, had brunch and went to another movie. We watched Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith, and it's actually quite good comparing to the last two. Afterward went back to Shawn's condo, had our weekly frat meeting, and then headed back to La Jolla for Chris' surprise graduation party. I didn't know that hanging out with friends and having fun could be that tiring sometimes.
I thought I was getting over the whole crush-on-Kiet thing, until stupid Shawn and Hide actually told me that I was bad at hiding my feeling and my actions were totally obvious, and even suggested that Kiet knows. The idea has never came across my mind and it unsettles me. Kiet and I started hanging out more and more, and consequently getting closer and closer as friends. The fact that he would ever suspect me liking him scares me... a lot. I wasn't expecting that. Of course I couldn't control my feelings, but I thought I hid them well, at least from him. I don't know why the idea of him knowing bothers me so much. Perhaps because I'm afraid that it might hurt our friendship? Or maybe I resent him for continuing to hang out with me while he knows that I like him? Or maybe secretly I'm angry at him for letting me make myself look like a fool in front of him? I know it's confusing and contradicting, but that's how I feel right now. On one hand, I hate seeing and hanging out with him while knowing that I can never have him; on the other hand, I value him as a friend and enjoy the time we spent together. Relationship is a bitch, even when I'm not in one... Well, I should just go to sleep. When I wake up tomorrow, everything will be better. It always does...

05 14 : Sat

>> An Eventful Quarter
Clement | 10:59 PM PST | BE Y10U | guestbook
This quarter is definitely one of the most eventful quarters I've ever had since I started college. I'm out doing different activities every weekend. I truly can't recall a weekend when I stay home and do nothing. One of the things that I regret about this quarter is my lack of involvement with LGBTQIA and QPOC towards the second half of the quarter. This is partly due to many fraternity related events, as well as the part time job I started this quarter. Even though I only work about 10-12 hours a week, it can be quite time consuming sometimes. The other thing that I regret is my neglection of schoolwork. Not that I'm too far behind nor am I doing poorly, but I could've done way better without other involvements that's for sure. But honestly, I don't feel too bad about it, since I've been giving my full attention to school last two years and in a sense felt like I didn't really "live" my life. Now here's my chance to enjoy life while I'm still young and still going to school; here's my opportunity to experience as much as possible before stepping into the "real world".

05 03 : Tue

>> Unrequited Love
Clement | 01:58 AM PST | BE Y5U | guestbook
I don't even remember when was the last time I posted two nights in a row. Again, I've work at 8am in the morning and yet I'm still staying up writing this. But I guess when there's something you can't really talk to anyone, a journal is the only place you can turn to. Now that I've crossed over, things aren't as hectic as when I was pledging; I now have more time for myself to do things I enjoy doing, but this also means having more time to think about things that I wish I wouldn't think about.
Through this pledging process, one thing that I've definitely learned is that never judge a person by first impression. When I first met some of the brothers, I had all these perspectives and ideas about them, but of course what happened was all these "stereotypes" were proven wrong. There're so much more about a person than the first impression they gave you. You can never truly know a person simply by all these "stereotypes". This happened to quite a few brothers I met, but there're something more about Kiet. The more I get to know him, I just can't help myself from liking him more and more. To be honest, he was totally not my type when I first met him. Not that he's not good looking or anything, but he just wasn't my type at all. I guess it's his personality. At first, it was more like I enjoyed his company, and whenever he was around, his optimism would always cheer me up. I just felt really glad and happy to see him. Then after a while, I found myself slowly developing a feeling for him. Maybe it was because he is someone I wish I could be; maybe because he was one of the very few people who actually take on an interest in getting to know me; maybe because he was always cheering me up, making me feel worthy and desirable. Whatever the reason is, it doesn't matter anymore... Things will never work out between us, especially since we're brothers now and that he is already dating someone. I know I should stop myself from thinking about him anymore. Everyday I tell myself I'm not going to be around him anymore, but everyday I keep finding excuses to go hangout with him, and keep torturing myself with this unrealistic dream. That was why I would rather be busy, and keep my life filled and my mind occupied, so that I wouldn't have time to think about boys and love, especially boys that I can never have and love that I know will never be returned.

10 27 : Wed

>> San Diego Never Rains?
Clement | 01:54 PM PST | BE Y13U | guestbook
It starts raining again today. I hate it 'cause it feels so depressing. It rained like 4 days last week, and I thought it's not gonna rain for a while but then it starts again today! What's up with the whole "it never rains in San Diego" thing people had been telling me before I moved down? Liars! The worst part is I was stupid enough to actually believed it!
Anyway, I've gotten a Apple PowerBook off eBay after a few days of looking around. It's a 12" one with G4 1.25GHz processor, 256MB RAM, and 60GB harddisk. I got it used for $1280 including S/H. Well, it is less than a month old and comes with the 1 year Apple warranty, so it's basically new in my opinion. After the PowerBook, now I'm bidding on additional 512MB RAMs, various accessories such as keyboard and screen protectors, etc. Hm... Now I'm just praying for them to get here soon.
I can't believe I've just spent more than a thousand dollars in two days. I think I've a theory on why people enjoy shopping so much and buying stuff that they like. Well, it's like a supplementary happiness through materials. I think food, water, and sleep aren't the only essentials to the survival of a person; happiness is also one. When someone can't obtain it through love or friendship, which are the main sources of happiness, they get it from somewhere else such as materials or even the process of acquiring materials (also known as shopping). I think my theory is somewhat valid, but I think I've heard it somewhere before so maybe it isn't really my theory but whatever...
Straylight Run's music is really growing on me. I got the CD and ripped all the songs onto my iPod on Sunday, and I've been listening to it on repeat non-stop ever since. Every single song is good and catchy, especially the song "It's for the Best", which's lyrics I used in the wallpaper I made for Kyle. I highly recommend everyone who hasn't heard of the band to give them a try.

04 26 : Mon

>> Super Hot Weather
Clement | 09:22 PM PST | BE Y4U | guestbook
These two days were really hot. The weather is so hot that you don't feel like doing anything at all. So that was what I did yesterday, laying around doing basically nothing. Well, at least I stopped thinking about Stephen. So ya, I guess I've gotten over him now. I mean, I still wanna be with him and everything, but at least I've accepted the fact that he's straight and there's no way we can be together. Do you guys ever feel desperate for love after being single for so long? Like you've the urge to just fall in love with someone, anyone 'cause you're so sick and tired of being alone? I guess I'm kinda having that feeling right now, like I don't care who it is anymore as long as there's someone beside me supporting me. How come I'm always the one who have crushes on other people? Sometimes I wonder is there anyone out there who has ever had a crush on me. Seriously, I've hardly thought about the possibility of that.
Anyway, today was even hotter than yesterday. I went to my Calculus class and Stephen was really friendly and talkative, and I just wanna freakin' yell at him "Don't tempt me! I just got over you!" Well, it's not like he know anything about me liking him and stuff. So I guess it's not his fault. I don't know, liking someone is a weird emotion. On one hand you like them, but on the other hand you hate them for not liking you back... Alright, I seriously have no idea what I just wrote. This journal entry is bizarre. This is what hot weather make people do... bizarre things. Well, I better shut up and get started on a English paper that's due tomorrow.
Thanks for everyone who commented on my new layout. Here's a special plugs to you all: Akasha Cathy Dave Jackie Joshie Lee Lei Mike Peter Sammas Scott Tashie Skindy Trent

04 23 : Fri

>> Write For No One But Myself
Clement | 11:58 PM PST | BE Y13U | guestbook
I started working on a new layout last night. I had these great ideas on my head, but the layout turned out not as nice as I thought it would. I'm a bit disappointed. I mean, I'll still get it coded and put it up sometime this weekend, but please don't expect too much. I think I might have to close up my blog or change the address cause my roommate Vladi's girlfriend, Jenny has found the url. I mean, she was nice enough to ask if she could go check it out. I just told her that I was making a new layout so she should go after it's done. I don't know did she really come check it out or not. I just hope she didn't or if she did she didn't bother to read my journal entries. I hate when people I know in real life found out about my blog, cause this is like my real personal journal/diary thing that I write all my thoughts and feelings down. I really don't want to not write something because of some people are reading it. I should be able to write whatever I want in my own blog. I want to write for no one but myself. This is how I feel, but can I do it?
Anyway, this afternoon Vladi and I went to watch Kill Bill Vol.2. It was alright. Vol.2 was more story driven, yet the plot wasn't that interesting for a movie. It also wasn't as much action nor gory comparing to vol.1. But I'm not a big fan of the first one to begin with, so ya. After I came back from the movie, there was this psycho guy just poped up on my AIM and started talking shit to me. I've no idea who the fuck that was and I don't think I even know him. It was just messed up. I just hope that he would fuckin' leave me alone.
Tonight I went down to some beach in Santa Cruz with Vladi for a little bit. We bought a chemical log that supposed to last 4 hours and some marshmallow, and set up a little bonfire on the beach. No one else wanna go, so it was just me and Vladi. He has never had a bonfire since he moved here, so he wanted to have one real bad. It was fun, there were quite a few people having bonfire on the beach tonight. . . . [more]

04 11 : Sun

>> How Life Used To Be
Clement | 03:03 PM PST | BE Y11U | guestbook
Our landlord is moving into the apartment beside ours. So lately she has been moving alot of her stuff into it. Yesterday when I was doing laundry, I saw her carrying big boxes of books upstair (our apartment is on the 2nd floor), so I offered to help her. I ended up moving most of her stuff upstair for her. When we were done, she started talking about all kinds of things to me, and she showed me an old photo album of her son and such. It was kinda funny. She's actually a pretty nice person.
My roommates came back last night. They weren't too happy with their trip up north. Apparently the guy they went with just kinda left them at a party and went around doing his own thing. So they were stuck with a bunch of people they didn't even know. Well, I'm glad I didn't go with them. Last night I finally started doing some schoolwork. Seriously, I've so many assignments I need to do it's not even funny. I've a English paper due Tuesday, and I've to rewrite my last 2 papers for higher grades, plus a 40 page journal due next Tuesday. On top of that, I've to write a program for Java Programming that's due this Wednesday. Last night I've only done 5 pages out of the total 40 page journal. I've absolutely no idea how am I gonna pull it off this time. My original plan was to finish at least 20 pages and rewrite that 2 papers in this Spring break... seems like my mission has failed, unless I somehow get the 2 rewrites done and do another 15 page journal entries today, which is almost impossible.
Anyway, I went to bed at around 2am last night. I couldn't go to sleep and just rolled around on my bed. I've been pretty stressed out lately, over not just schoolwork but various things as well. Whenever I'm stressed out, I become depressed as well. I feel lonely and helpless because my family and friends are not around and I've to take care of all the things myself. I suddenly realized how much I've changed since I first came back to the U.S. for college. I remembered how I used to be like and how I used to feel. I used to be this carefree, cheerful, innocent person with lots of friends. Life used to be hopeful and fun. Everyone was nice and good-hearted in my eyes. Now it feels like I've seen the world; I've been exposed to responsibilities and the dark side of people. Life isn't fun anymore and people aren't always as friendly as they appear to be. I even hate certain people for what they've done to me, and in the past I wouldn't even get mad at anyone easily. My perspective has changed a whole lot. I changed from that carefree, cheerful boy to a guy who just try to get through life. What happened? I haven't felt like how I used to for a long time, somehow I've forgotten that feeling and perspective. But last night I remembered. I don't know, it was just like God suddenly took all the worries and stresses off my shoulders. I don't even hate those certain people anymore. Dislike them, yes, but I don't hate them. Hate is a really strong emotion you know. I've also figured out alot of things, and remembered what is really important. Afterall, life is really open to your interpretation. It all depends on how you look at it and how you want it to be. It's really weird, I just figured out all of those last night when I was in bed. It was like I got struck by lighting and have been given a new life (or a new perspective in life at least). I ended up falling sleep around 4:30am I think. Then today when I woke up at 1:30pm, I remembered it's Easter today. Well, if it wasn't God, I really don't know what it was.

04 09 : Fri

>> Unconditional Love?
Clement | 11:59 PM PST | BE Y12U | guestbook
Beth came out to Santa Cruz this afternoon. She and Tim picked out this yellow Billabong polo shirt, plus a whole bunch of chocolate and candies for me for Easter. I was totally surprised 'cause I'm so not used to getting presents for Easter. I feel bad though 'casue I didn't get them anything at all. Well, they're just way too nice. We had lunch together, and since Beth has to work tonight, she headed back out to Santa Clara right after that. I stayed at the mall and looked around for a little bit. Didn't get anything though. I've bought quite a few CDs this month, and I think it's time for me to stop spending money again.
My roommates went up north tonight, so I got the whole apartment to myself. Finally I gotta spend some alone time, and seriously I need it. It's not like I don't like my roommates or anything. We're just too different to hang out together; we don't share any common interests at all. Simply put, they're just not my type of friends, and vice versa. Usually when they're at home, they would be either watching TV or playing PS2, so I wouldn't be able to watch the shows that I like watching. Tonight I finally got a chance to watch whatever I want. Too bad nothing much was on. After flipping through the channels, I settled on this little kid baseball movie called Rookie of the Year. When I first started watching it, I didn't even know the name of the movie. The reason I picked it was because Thomas Ian Nicholas was in it. You know, Kevin from the American Pie series. Well, he was way younger in this movie anyway. It turned out to be a petty funny, relaxing, little kid movie. Usually I wouldn't like this kind of movies, but I guess it kinda took my mind off a lot of things for a while. I've been quite down and stressed out lately. There're just a lot of things on my mind. I don't really want to talk about them right now, even if I wanted to I wouldn't know where to begin. Maybe sometime later when I've the chance, I'll spill them all out.
A really interesting question came to mind earlier this evening. You know how people always say that a person will do anything to protect and make the one he/she loved happy? I'm just wondering, what if the person you loved would never love you back, or what if they would never know what you had done for them, then would you still do anything to protect and make the person you loved happy? I don't know, can love really be unconditional?

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